The High-Heeled Problem

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are myriads of useless items in this world, and most of them are located in the “Sky Mall Magazine”. Such items include: a cat stroller, and a water purifier for parrots. However, nothing is more useless and detrimental to society than high heels. I’m not exactly sure what’s the appeal of the shoe. They are aimed to make women taller and therefore more attractive for men, yet most men would not date a woman who is taller anyway! But that’s only the tip of the iceberg…the comfort level of the shoe is where my beef lies. I have found myself in a weekly struggle with the high-heeled women. These declined contraptions drastically reduce my time to meet women and get to know them in bars/clubs. It’s only a matter of time before you hear the dark inevitable words, “my feet hurt.” Which for guys, is code for “you have no chance.” Often I feel like a bomb diffuser working under stressful conditions with a time constraint overhead. (FYI: usually the bomb goes off) I’m convinced I would get much more action (well…action) if women would just wear some Puma’s. Come to think of it, high heels aren’t all bad in that they act as great contraception. Who knew the world’s population problem could be solved with a couple million pairs of Leblanc’s? These days a man really has to be “heel worthy” to get some. A woman is not going to stand in those contortion devises listening to some dude's bullshit for very long. To combat this high-heeled problem I’m bringing some extra pairs of Uggs the next time I’m at a club. Some may call me a “weird dude” but I could care less, I’ll be the “weird dude” talking to ladies with comfy shoes on!

Love Just a Few Clicks Away?

I am a huge proponent of the Internet. It has made lives much easier (stalking used to be so much tougher before Facebook). In what was once a day’s work, people can now read the news, buy clothes, and watch their favorite porno all in a matter of minuets. However, there is one area the internet has no place for and that’s dating! This e-harmony /match.com business has got to stop. What ever happened to the old fashion route of being drunk off your ass at a bar and meeting the woman of your dreams during last call? (Hint: If the girl is still cute when the lights come up, she’s a keeper!) Now it’s all about finding the “compatible person” through 1,000 different variables. The problem is that just like a resume, people lie when describing themselves. No self-respecting man would ever tell the truth and say he is a bald 48 years old plumber that lives with his mom and has a third nipple. Internet daters are hiding behind a computer to find love, instead of putting themselves out there in the “real world.” Additionally, I’ve been told that sites like e-harmony rejects people if they can’t find anyone compatible. If that happened to me, I would call life quits right there. Game Over! Even the possibility of that being a reality is enough for me to never become an internet dater. I say get rid of internet dating sites and let the internet be used for more important things like viewing the “jizz in my pants” video on YouTube.

What I Know About Women

I have come to the realization I know nothing about women (probably the reason I’m still single). I also don't know anything about rocket science, brain surgery, or how to make EasyMac (I keep putting the wrong amount of water in). However, the women thing is something I’m determined to get to the bottom of considering I spend my weekends “chasing” them. I came to this realization when I had the opportunity of going into the epicenter of "chick town" otherwise known as a sorority house. I felt like the crocodile hunter on safari, observing a girls natural habitat. The house is beautiful and spotless looking better than the White House. However, what is most striking is the fact there are seating areas for as far as the eye can see. That’s when it hit me that women have one common interest and that is to talk! I’m convinced that the only reason we have holidays or formal events is for women to talk about them before and after. It gives them an opportunity to discuss what they are going to wear, who is going to be there, and whatever else they talk about. Additionally, women constantly keep saying how “excited” they are for (insert Spring Break, Vegas Trip, Christmas, Birthday, Valentine’s Day, or Oprah Show here). However, I see right though their shenanigans! Girls are really just saying they are excited about the anticipation before or debrief after and not the actual event itself. Many times, women hype up an event so much that the actual event becomes a huge letdown and use the weeklong debrief talking about how disappointing it was (i.e. hooking up with me). As part of the male gender, I can firmly say that our gender is full of dumb shits like NFL Player Pac Man Jones (He got in a fight with his own bodyguard) but we do know how to enjoy the present moment. For once, maybe girls can learn a thing or two from guys.

Just Say "No" to the Red Dragon

I have a confession to make and it’s something I’ve been ashamed of for over a decade. I am an addict. Of course, there are your standard crack heads, meth addicts, and glue sniffers but I’m a different kind of breed. I get my high off of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos or the “Red Dragon” as we call it on the streets. Once you open the bag and taste the crunchy goodness you enter a world of utter bliss yet seam to forget the hellish hangover that ensues. With Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, I could be having the worst day imaginable but once the Red Dragon touches my lips, it’s all-good. Over the course of the semester I’ve been getting my fix in my Beatles class. (Yes, a class on the rock band, not the insect) The problem is that once I start eating, nothing around me becomes relevant and anything said goes over my head. I swear there could be a fire or earthquake and I would just sit there and munch away. Let me tell you, it’s not a pretty sight either. It’s a lot like feeding time in the tiger cage at the zoo; lots of noises with red stuff everywhere. The red powder gets on my hands, clothes, and one time was in my hair (not sure what happened there… I must have blacked out) Then of course there is the hell of forgetting to pick up napkins and your fingers looking like you came down with a bad case of syphilis. If anyone knows of a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto treatment center, I need to be checked in immediately!

My Significant Other

I’m sorry ladies but I’m officially off the market. It’s true I’ve been the most “eligible bachelor” for some time now but not anymore. I’m happy to say my significant other has all the perfect qualities; smart, slender, and attractive. Unfortunately, my relationship is with something I bought at the Apple store for $399. I spend more time on my iPhone than a Cal Tech student plays Dungeons and Dragons. My cell phone and I are so close that it even finishes my sentences (auto text). I came to this realization as I was in a club in Hollywood over the weekend chasing around girls like an idiot. (On a side note: Men in dance clubs are the equivalent to cavemen but with a collared shirt) The main objective for these “hunter/gathers” is to “hunt” for ladies and get numbers. So my whole purpose of the night was to get some chick’s phone number so that I can spend the next few weeks calling/texting her. Instead of spending time with the lady, I’m spending more time with my cell phone! I’m under the impression that no one dates in LA. How can they? They are too busy texting! So with that said, my cell phone and I are confident that once the Supreme Court overrules Proposition 8, they will allow cell phones and humans to get married. FYI, we are going to be registered at the Apple store, (My cell phone needs a new pair of iPhone socks). So give me your number so that I can spend some quality time with my cell phone!

Scarf Down This!

As my four readers already know, I’m not exactly an innovator as much as a complainer. However, if I see something disturbing I’m going to call it out. Today my beef is with scarves. It is currently 81 degrees in LA yet I’ve seen at least four scarves and it was all before the lunch hour. The act of scarf wearing is at an all-time high and must be stopped. On rare occasions one might see a “man scarf.” There is nothing more emasculating then for a man to be wearing a scarf. Maybe it’s acceptable on the East Coast or France but around here every man wearing a scarf should be slapped in the face with the one they have on. It could be that I’m from the temperate climate of LA but I don’t get the appeal of a scarf. It’s only true purpose is to warm the neck however every time I’ve been in cold weather the warming of the neck is the least of my worries, usually I solve the problem with a jacket. In LA, these knitted contraptions are clearly just an accessory. However, I’m a firm believer that all accessories must have a point to them. For instance a purse is quite helpful to carry all your shit or a watch to tell you your ass is late for something. In retaliation for these despicable “scarfers” I too should wear something completely useless, a cape. I will tell people as I’m walking around that my cape is aimed to warm my back. Truthfully I would look about as ridiculous as a dude wearing a scarf anyway. However, knowing the kind of trendsetter that I am, within a few weeks there will be a “cape section” at the gap which would defeat the purpose entirely. Bottom line: LA needs to come together and put an end to the scarfing or else a slippery slope ensues and we are all wearing berets.

How Halloween Needs to Improve

Halloween is by far the most anticlimactic holiday of the year. There is so much hype weeks before but in the end it’s like any other Friday night except you’re dressed as a lady bug. Everyone always tells me Halloween is great for the candy. First of all, no one trick or treats after the age of 10. Second of all, everyone knows I’m a chip man. Candy is lame; potato chips are where it’s at. Now if I was to go from door to door with people giving out Cheetos and BBQ chips I would drop all my problems. The only good thing about the holiday is the mass slutification the girls participate in at the parties. As early as the first weekend in October, you will start seeing some of the girls in their slutty outfits. (I’ve been told that girls don’t dress in costumes, its OUTFITS). As October goes along more and more girls start dressing up and it gets progressively sluttier! I even saw a slutty Harry Potter costume (I never thought that was possible). My favorite week is the weekend before Halloween because I don’t have to dress up, yet the girls are almost primed at mass slutification. However, Halloween still has it all wrong, the holiday should be in July or August. It’s not much of a problem in the temperate climate of Southern California, but I bet you there are some beautiful girls who don’t dress up to their full slutty potential in the colder climates of New York and Chicago. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of dressing up as a lady bug this year. I tried to play it off like it was a “man bug” but in the end it was just a girly lady bug costume. Furthermore, I did not foresee that the lady bug wings I purchased would be such a pain in the ass in the crowded clubs. Not even ten minutes passed by before I ditched my wings. In short, Halloween sucks, but it can improve by handing out chips instead of candy and moved to July for mass slutification.