Odd SHITuations

There are some situations in life I have no idea how to behave. There is the classic example of the funeral where I usually end up saying the dumbest things to the bereaved. There was one funeral where at the end of the service, they let a bunch of white doves free. Of course being an idiot, I preceded to go up to my friend whose grandmother just passed and asked him how cool it would be to have a carrier dove. In retrospect I could have said things like, “I’m sorry for your loss” or even “how you holding up” Nope I just said, “damn those birds would make awesome carrier doves.”

There was another time I was doing the play-by-play broadcasting for a USC Men’s Volleyball game. Of course having no idea what I was doing or saying because honestly who ever watches Men’s volleyball?? I sometimes watch Women’s Volleyball because of the hot chicks who play the sport. Spandex…nice! Anyway, so having no idea how to call the game I one time said, “set it and forget it!!” like the chicken rotisserie infomercials. It was one of those moments straight out of a Southwest Airlines commercial “wanna get away”? Needless to say I wasn’t invited back to broadcast their games.

This topic came to mind after a bizarre situation I was just apart of. I went to the Starbucks bathroom to wash my hands but there was someone in there before me who shitted up the place, and I mean that literally. It’s the kind of smell that hits you in the face and makes you puke a little in your mouth. So I quickly started washing my hands and then the god-awful handle on the door started to shake indicating someone wanted to use the facilities. I was faced with the predicament of either telling the person waiting to use the bathroom that the smell wasn’t me or just walk away fast. Additionally, how do you even go about telling a person that the dreadful smell they are about to become intimate with did not come from me? “Excuse me, I did not just shit, it was the person before me, I promise I was just washing my hands, I already took a shit today!” Whose even going to believe that story?!? So I did what any grown male would do and said, “enjoy the smell I left for you.”

Sorry

I received some comments about my past posts being insensitive and harsh. I agree whole heartily that the things I’ve said were both idiotic and cruel. I meant for this blog post to poke fun of real life situations and lighten the mood from a sometimes boring and mundane life. In no way were my comments supposed to be hurtful. I sincerely apologize to any readers who were offended by my comments. From now on, I will be primarily poking fun at myself, objects, monkeys, and/or midgets (They are all illiterate so its fine).

No More Birthdays!!

You’re an idiot if you…..

Countdown to your birthday:

I’m really sick of people counting down to their birthday as if the whole world just can’t wait for the “special” day to arrive. By the way, I really hate when people use the word “special.” If you ask me “special” should only refer those who are forced to ride the short bus to school. Birthday countdown people usually don't get enough attention for being their pathetic selves so they rely on their birthday to be treated “special.” I can treat them “special” by throwing a chocolate cake in their face. Speaking of cake, guess who loves their birthday most? Who else but the fat assess. They feel entitled to have as much cake as possible just because it’s their birthday. Why you think they countdown till the day they get to eat cake “guilt free”? The fatties somehow overlook the fact that I’m still staring at their jigglly ass as they chomp down on some ice cream cake. If only we can dangle some of that ice cream cake in front of them as they run on a treadmill we would have a much healthier society. There is too much emphasis on birthdays. After the age of 5 no one should have birthday parties. We are forced to crowd around the birthday person and laugh at all of their dumb jokes and pretend like we give a shit about their life. Don’t get me wrong; I think society should be celebrating, just not birthdays. We need to celebrate accomplishments like 4th of July or the day the hot pocket was invented. If you want to celebrate something, celebrate the fact you can have a bit of flakey goodness in just two minuets!! Luckily, my birthday falls on St. Patrick’s Day where I don’t have to worry about celebrating; the whole world turns Irish and therefore alcoholics for the day. (As a one-time visitor of Ireland, I can attest that the country most defiantly has a drinking problem). I have news for the fat-ass cake eaters, no one cares it’s your birthday, stop counting!