Bless This!!

The phrase “God bless you” is being used at an all time high and needs to be addressed immediately. There is too much blessing going on for a damn sneeze. If I were God, I would defiantly not be blessing someone just because they sneezed. One cannot help but wonder how many times a day people are telling God that they should bless other sneezers. Maybe if someone came down with a case of the flu or syphilis it would warrant a “God bless you” but not for some wind to come out of the nose at 200 mph. I am very keen on this phrase because I consider myself a professional sneezer. I have this nutso condition called Photic sneeze reflex (It’s a real thing) where anytime I look into the sun I sneeze. Throughout the course of my day there are numerous people telling God to bless me. I really wish people would stop telling God to bless me over my sneezing, and save the blesses for when I do stupid shit (Probably in Vegas). The worst are those people who are just waiting for someone to sneeze. These “God bless you whores” could be doing anything whether it be driving, or performing surgery and will stop in their tracks to make sure the holy one blesses the sneezer. However, I love to fool these sickos by pretending to sneeze to see them get ready for a “God Bless You” and then witness utter disappointment on their faces when they realize it was a false alarm. I’ve never been much of a “God bless youer” so I don’t quite understand how it works…if someone is a multiple sneezer does the “God bless you” come after one sneeze or until the sequence is finished? We can’t be worrying about making sure sneezers are blessed when we are in the midst of a war, a recession looming, and a college football season starting soon. We should let God decide what is bless worthy because clearly we failed thinking a sneeze deserves a blessing.

Free Baller Problem

There needs to be some legislation passed stopping old man ass in the men's gym locker room. Every time I go in there, I have to prep myself for a potentially awful sight. Its always old people dropping their pants and walking around the locker room likes its their own goddamn bathroom. I don't even think these guys work out, they go specifically to the locker room so they can "show off their goods." I usually go into the locker room minding my own business quickly changing my shoes and BOOM out of no where there is a pale white hairy droopy ass right in my face without as much as a warning!! It would be great if I could get a courtesy call saying old naked man coming in 3...2...1. It would be a lot like those little trucks in front of a wide-load truck on the highway warning everyone what is about to come. I need this warning to soften the blow of what my eyes are about to experience. There needs to be proper locker room etiquette which is a quick change of clothes so that the free ballin is limited to no more than 20 seconds. None of this naked walking around, doing everything but putting clothes on. I've seen it all including; naked shaving ( Of course not the back or chest even though thats the part that needs it the most), naked exercising, and even naked standing around for no good reason. Its time to put an end to this free ballin problem.

Stop Making Smelly Food

Don’t make weird food in an office. Some asshole just made popcorn and now the whole floor smells like shit. What compels someone to just randomly get up from their desk and think it would be a great idea to have popcorn? Never have I had the urge to have some popcorn while working. Popcorn is a very overrated food by the way. It’s a snack that only tastes good in the first 5 minuets of eating it. Beware of any food that is only edible for a short time like Top Ramen. Also beware of any product that has an old man as its mascot. Both KFC and Orville Redenbacher must have the worst marketing departments if they think having an old wrinkly man on their product will sell. This office prick should be like everyone else and have a goddamn salad or sandwich for lunch.