Down In The Dumps

The toilet seat cover is by far in “the most need of improvement” out of all products on the market. If some dude invented a water purifier for cats…surly we can invent a toilet seat cover that actually stays on the toilet. The journey begins by reaching in that stupid box, and grabbing like 20 when 1 will do. Then you have to tear apart the sides because the flap is still stuck to the cover but you end up tearing the whole cover (I’m awful at arts & crafts). If by some miracle you are still successful and you put it on the toilet then the flap absorbs too much water and the whole cover ends up in the toilet before you sit down. It’s like a perfect storm that has you almost shitting your pants. Am I doing this all wrong? Was there a day in preschool that I missed where they taught people how to do this? This is a problem in America that needs to be addressed. Screw the economic crisis, have McCain and Obama debate this!!

These boots are for THROWING AWAY!

It’s official I dislike every person I’ve met wearing cowboy boots. Keep in mind I’ve only been to Texas once and it was for an hour in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport. (What a great airport that was). Texas is the only state where cowboy boots should be accepted. (By the way I'm not a huge fan of Texas but that’s for another blog). I’m talking about these fools walking around L.A. in cowboy boots. I don’t understand the concept of these shoes. They are stiff, immobile, uncomfortable, and probably smell in other words they are just like John McCain. The most common cowboy boot dude is one who lived in Texas and makes sure you know about it. This guy could’ve lived there for just a month but still brag about how he’s from Texas. The boots might as well be a Sport Chalet license plate frame saying, “I’d rather be living in Texas.” The worst part is you see this guy wearing his boots with tight jeans everyday. Once you start going cowboy boot there is no turning back. If you go back to regular shoes you’re just a Texas imposter and if you stay cowboy boot, we all hate you. It’s a winless situation! It’s not just men wearing these stupid things either. Women have also been getting in on this boot action. These ladies are usually indie chicks wearing some weird frayed short dress with messed up hair (messed up hair is a sign that the chick is nuts). Then you look down at their feet and BOOM...disgusting cowboy boots. Every chick I’ve seen wearing this outfit ends up looking lost and pretty much out of it. Obviously, this breed of cowboy boot chick wants to be different and thinks the best way is to wear some ugly boots that go up the shins. This cowboy boot business has got to stop. It looks out of place and is an insult to every native Angelino.

Statistical Midget

As I’m sure my readers know (all four of you) I’m all about ideas. True most of my ideas suck and do not help society in anyway except for my invention of the cat sounds CD. (Who wouldn’t want a CD entitled “Morning Meow” to wake up to?) However, I have an idea that blows all my other ideas out of the water. A Statistical Midget! There are so many instances in life where I would love to know random facts like how many times I have passed by a certain car on a highway or how many times I’ve checked Facebook in the past hour (I believe its 144). However, there is no way to know for sure unless I have a statistical midget. Did you know that 92% of men find midgets hilarious?? The other 8% are midgets. (These numbers are by no means accurate and need to be stat midget verified.) I am willing to pay the midget $1 million to follow me around and tell me really random things about my daily life. Of course this idea can only happen when I’m really rich and have large amounts of cash to throw away. This money would normally go to a charity but I feel the idea itself is a large enough contribution to society. Who wouldn’t want to know how many sneezes you made in a day? Or shits you took in a week? (It’s important to make the midget work for his million bucks) Of course there are some ground rules that need to be discussed to make this possible. First, no one can bother my stat midget, they are a lot like Seeing Eye Dogs and are strictly for business and not for strangers to feed or pet. Second, I will not tell my little companion what to research, it is up to him to tell me facts that I will find interesting. Finally, I expect the little dude to rattle off random facts at all hours of the day, even if I am in an intense conversation with someone then so be it. There is nothing more important than these random facts. Screw figuring out how to combat global warming, the world would be in a much better place with a Statistical Midget!