Church of The Holy Touchdown

I’ve never really been considered a religious man through my years. I felt that the customs, traditions, and beliefs in all religions were quite ridiculous. I never understood why people like Priests, Rabbis, Monks, or Indian Chiefs would devout their whole life to just their religion until I finally saw the light. Prior to becoming a born-again, I had been walking aimlessly with no real purpose. Now I see all that life has to offer with such clarity. Flowers smell better, music sounds better, and hot girls are even hotter. I attribute all these new positive changes to my new-found religion…College Football. I have found my religious enlightenment in the form of watching touchdowns and bone chilling tackles. I didn’t realize my religion’s full potential until I made my required pilgrimage to “Mecca” or otherwise known as Ohio Stadium in Columbus, Ohio. It was more than a game but rather a religious experience that I shared with my fellow College-Footballians watching USC play Ohio State. In case you weren’t familiar with our religion, here are just some of the basics in the holy “Play" Book. I specifically follow the teachings of Pete Carroll as he is my Rabbi. Furthermore, like the Jewish faith, our Sabbath is on Saturday but instead of wine as the preferred drink like in the Catholic or Jewish faith, our drink is beer and a lot of it. At “services” it is frowned upon to be quiet. Finally, my religion ends every year. There are never any qualms about not going to “services” past January 7 as the season ends. The other religions guilt you in being there every week. With that being said, I would appreciate it if people would respect my honoring of the Sabbath and not require me to be anywhere else other than the Los Angeles Coliseum, I’m praying at the top of my lungs!

Shortchanged

There was the Pet Rock in the 80’s, the Pogs of the 90’s and Beanie Babies in the early 2000’s. All were trends that came and went in our society. And just like the ones before it, the current trend that needs to vanish immediately is a women’s short haircut. I’m a pretty easygoing guy when it comes to the ladies. However, I will not tolerate when a beautiful woman butchers her hair. Just because Rihanna or Halle Berry has short hair does not give permission for every other girl to do the same. The hairstyles are so bad that even models loose their attractiveness. Viewing such a travesty only leaves me wondering what could’ve been. One of the defining physical characteristics that makes or breaks a woman is her hair. Now all hope is lost when I see a woman whose hair stops at her ears thus looking like a boy. No guy wants his girlfriend’s hair as short as his. The worst is when you see a girl on a regular basis who has that refreshing attractiveness in which you can’t wait to see again and again BUT the next day BOOM… boy cut! I demand to know all those behind such hanus acts. Was there a secret hairstyle tribunal that voted in the short haircut? Also, why weren’t heterosexual males allowed to have a say on this matter? These are all questions where I will work tirelessly to have answered. My guess is Oprah has something to do with this…