My Significant Other

I’m sorry ladies but I’m officially off the market. It’s true I’ve been the most “eligible bachelor” for some time now but not anymore. I’m happy to say my significant other has all the perfect qualities; smart, slender, and attractive. Unfortunately, my relationship is with something I bought at the Apple store for $399. I spend more time on my iPhone than a Cal Tech student plays Dungeons and Dragons. My cell phone and I are so close that it even finishes my sentences (auto text). I came to this realization as I was in a club in Hollywood over the weekend chasing around girls like an idiot. (On a side note: Men in dance clubs are the equivalent to cavemen but with a collared shirt) The main objective for these “hunter/gathers” is to “hunt” for ladies and get numbers. So my whole purpose of the night was to get some chick’s phone number so that I can spend the next few weeks calling/texting her. Instead of spending time with the lady, I’m spending more time with my cell phone! I’m under the impression that no one dates in LA. How can they? They are too busy texting! So with that said, my cell phone and I are confident that once the Supreme Court overrules Proposition 8, they will allow cell phones and humans to get married. FYI, we are going to be registered at the Apple store, (My cell phone needs a new pair of iPhone socks). So give me your number so that I can spend some quality time with my cell phone!

Scarf Down This!

As my four readers already know, I’m not exactly an innovator as much as a complainer. However, if I see something disturbing I’m going to call it out. Today my beef is with scarves. It is currently 81 degrees in LA yet I’ve seen at least four scarves and it was all before the lunch hour. The act of scarf wearing is at an all-time high and must be stopped. On rare occasions one might see a “man scarf.” There is nothing more emasculating then for a man to be wearing a scarf. Maybe it’s acceptable on the East Coast or France but around here every man wearing a scarf should be slapped in the face with the one they have on. It could be that I’m from the temperate climate of LA but I don’t get the appeal of a scarf. It’s only true purpose is to warm the neck however every time I’ve been in cold weather the warming of the neck is the least of my worries, usually I solve the problem with a jacket. In LA, these knitted contraptions are clearly just an accessory. However, I’m a firm believer that all accessories must have a point to them. For instance a purse is quite helpful to carry all your shit or a watch to tell you your ass is late for something. In retaliation for these despicable “scarfers” I too should wear something completely useless, a cape. I will tell people as I’m walking around that my cape is aimed to warm my back. Truthfully I would look about as ridiculous as a dude wearing a scarf anyway. However, knowing the kind of trendsetter that I am, within a few weeks there will be a “cape section” at the gap which would defeat the purpose entirely. Bottom line: LA needs to come together and put an end to the scarfing or else a slippery slope ensues and we are all wearing berets.

How Halloween Needs to Improve

Halloween is by far the most anticlimactic holiday of the year. There is so much hype weeks before but in the end it’s like any other Friday night except you’re dressed as a lady bug. Everyone always tells me Halloween is great for the candy. First of all, no one trick or treats after the age of 10. Second of all, everyone knows I’m a chip man. Candy is lame; potato chips are where it’s at. Now if I was to go from door to door with people giving out Cheetos and BBQ chips I would drop all my problems. The only good thing about the holiday is the mass slutification the girls participate in at the parties. As early as the first weekend in October, you will start seeing some of the girls in their slutty outfits. (I’ve been told that girls don’t dress in costumes, its OUTFITS). As October goes along more and more girls start dressing up and it gets progressively sluttier! I even saw a slutty Harry Potter costume (I never thought that was possible). My favorite week is the weekend before Halloween because I don’t have to dress up, yet the girls are almost primed at mass slutification. However, Halloween still has it all wrong, the holiday should be in July or August. It’s not much of a problem in the temperate climate of Southern California, but I bet you there are some beautiful girls who don’t dress up to their full slutty potential in the colder climates of New York and Chicago. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of dressing up as a lady bug this year. I tried to play it off like it was a “man bug” but in the end it was just a girly lady bug costume. Furthermore, I did not foresee that the lady bug wings I purchased would be such a pain in the ass in the crowded clubs. Not even ten minutes passed by before I ditched my wings. In short, Halloween sucks, but it can improve by handing out chips instead of candy and moved to July for mass slutification.

Down In The Dumps

The toilet seat cover is by far in “the most need of improvement” out of all products on the market. If some dude invented a water purifier for cats…surly we can invent a toilet seat cover that actually stays on the toilet. The journey begins by reaching in that stupid box, and grabbing like 20 when 1 will do. Then you have to tear apart the sides because the flap is still stuck to the cover but you end up tearing the whole cover (I’m awful at arts & crafts). If by some miracle you are still successful and you put it on the toilet then the flap absorbs too much water and the whole cover ends up in the toilet before you sit down. It’s like a perfect storm that has you almost shitting your pants. Am I doing this all wrong? Was there a day in preschool that I missed where they taught people how to do this? This is a problem in America that needs to be addressed. Screw the economic crisis, have McCain and Obama debate this!!

These boots are for THROWING AWAY!

It’s official I dislike every person I’ve met wearing cowboy boots. Keep in mind I’ve only been to Texas once and it was for an hour in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport. (What a great airport that was). Texas is the only state where cowboy boots should be accepted. (By the way I'm not a huge fan of Texas but that’s for another blog). I’m talking about these fools walking around L.A. in cowboy boots. I don’t understand the concept of these shoes. They are stiff, immobile, uncomfortable, and probably smell in other words they are just like John McCain. The most common cowboy boot dude is one who lived in Texas and makes sure you know about it. This guy could’ve lived there for just a month but still brag about how he’s from Texas. The boots might as well be a Sport Chalet license plate frame saying, “I’d rather be living in Texas.” The worst part is you see this guy wearing his boots with tight jeans everyday. Once you start going cowboy boot there is no turning back. If you go back to regular shoes you’re just a Texas imposter and if you stay cowboy boot, we all hate you. It’s a winless situation! It’s not just men wearing these stupid things either. Women have also been getting in on this boot action. These ladies are usually indie chicks wearing some weird frayed short dress with messed up hair (messed up hair is a sign that the chick is nuts). Then you look down at their feet and BOOM...disgusting cowboy boots. Every chick I’ve seen wearing this outfit ends up looking lost and pretty much out of it. Obviously, this breed of cowboy boot chick wants to be different and thinks the best way is to wear some ugly boots that go up the shins. This cowboy boot business has got to stop. It looks out of place and is an insult to every native Angelino.

Statistical Midget

As I’m sure my readers know (all four of you) I’m all about ideas. True most of my ideas suck and do not help society in anyway except for my invention of the cat sounds CD. (Who wouldn’t want a CD entitled “Morning Meow” to wake up to?) However, I have an idea that blows all my other ideas out of the water. A Statistical Midget! There are so many instances in life where I would love to know random facts like how many times I have passed by a certain car on a highway or how many times I’ve checked Facebook in the past hour (I believe its 144). However, there is no way to know for sure unless I have a statistical midget. Did you know that 92% of men find midgets hilarious?? The other 8% are midgets. (These numbers are by no means accurate and need to be stat midget verified.) I am willing to pay the midget $1 million to follow me around and tell me really random things about my daily life. Of course this idea can only happen when I’m really rich and have large amounts of cash to throw away. This money would normally go to a charity but I feel the idea itself is a large enough contribution to society. Who wouldn’t want to know how many sneezes you made in a day? Or shits you took in a week? (It’s important to make the midget work for his million bucks) Of course there are some ground rules that need to be discussed to make this possible. First, no one can bother my stat midget, they are a lot like Seeing Eye Dogs and are strictly for business and not for strangers to feed or pet. Second, I will not tell my little companion what to research, it is up to him to tell me facts that I will find interesting. Finally, I expect the little dude to rattle off random facts at all hours of the day, even if I am in an intense conversation with someone then so be it. There is nothing more important than these random facts. Screw figuring out how to combat global warming, the world would be in a much better place with a Statistical Midget!

Dead Days of Summer

The inevitable day has arrived. The Sunday night before school starts after a long summer. This depressing reality has conjured up many unpleasant thoughts one of which having to deal with death. For example, what is the deal with burying people when they die? That must suck to die in a home or a hospital or wherever and have to be transported to some place and decompose in the ground for eternity. I utterly disagree with this practice. Fortunately for me, that will never happen when I eat it for good. I’m going to arrange that wherever I die I will be plopped right down on my leather couch with ESPN or a constant loop of Seinfeld on TV. Don’t worry, I realize my plan has flaws which is why there are preemptive measures. For instance, what if someone changes the channel to Lifetime or Oprah and I have to watch that for eternity? To counteract such a tragic scenario, the TV would shock anyone who touches it and meet the same fate as I have. (See I’ve got every angle covered). I don’t even care if another family buys my house and lives in it as long as I’m still on my couch. The family can tell guests that the old wrinkly dude on the couch just really loves TV and sleeps a lot. (Hey it worked on Weekend at Bearnies and Weekend at Bearnies 2) All I’m saying is how dare someone take me out of my house and throw me into the ground for life. Maybe that will happen to all the other dead suckers, NOT ME!