Dead Days of Summer

The inevitable day has arrived. The Sunday night before school starts after a long summer. This depressing reality has conjured up many unpleasant thoughts one of which having to deal with death. For example, what is the deal with burying people when they die? That must suck to die in a home or a hospital or wherever and have to be transported to some place and decompose in the ground for eternity. I utterly disagree with this practice. Fortunately for me, that will never happen when I eat it for good. I’m going to arrange that wherever I die I will be plopped right down on my leather couch with ESPN or a constant loop of Seinfeld on TV. Don’t worry, I realize my plan has flaws which is why there are preemptive measures. For instance, what if someone changes the channel to Lifetime or Oprah and I have to watch that for eternity? To counteract such a tragic scenario, the TV would shock anyone who touches it and meet the same fate as I have. (See I’ve got every angle covered). I don’t even care if another family buys my house and lives in it as long as I’m still on my couch. The family can tell guests that the old wrinkly dude on the couch just really loves TV and sleeps a lot. (Hey it worked on Weekend at Bearnies and Weekend at Bearnies 2) All I’m saying is how dare someone take me out of my house and throw me into the ground for life. Maybe that will happen to all the other dead suckers, NOT ME!