Statistical Midget

As I’m sure my readers know (all four of you) I’m all about ideas. True most of my ideas suck and do not help society in anyway except for my invention of the cat sounds CD. (Who wouldn’t want a CD entitled “Morning Meow” to wake up to?) However, I have an idea that blows all my other ideas out of the water. A Statistical Midget! There are so many instances in life where I would love to know random facts like how many times I have passed by a certain car on a highway or how many times I’ve checked Facebook in the past hour (I believe its 144). However, there is no way to know for sure unless I have a statistical midget. Did you know that 92% of men find midgets hilarious?? The other 8% are midgets. (These numbers are by no means accurate and need to be stat midget verified.) I am willing to pay the midget $1 million to follow me around and tell me really random things about my daily life. Of course this idea can only happen when I’m really rich and have large amounts of cash to throw away. This money would normally go to a charity but I feel the idea itself is a large enough contribution to society. Who wouldn’t want to know how many sneezes you made in a day? Or shits you took in a week? (It’s important to make the midget work for his million bucks) Of course there are some ground rules that need to be discussed to make this possible. First, no one can bother my stat midget, they are a lot like Seeing Eye Dogs and are strictly for business and not for strangers to feed or pet. Second, I will not tell my little companion what to research, it is up to him to tell me facts that I will find interesting. Finally, I expect the little dude to rattle off random facts at all hours of the day, even if I am in an intense conversation with someone then so be it. There is nothing more important than these random facts. Screw figuring out how to combat global warming, the world would be in a much better place with a Statistical Midget!