Monday, January 26, 2009

The High-Heeled Problem


I’ve come to the conclusion that there are myriads of useless items in this world, and most of them are located in the “Sky Mall Magazine”. Such items include: a cat stroller, and a water purifier for parrots. However, nothing is more useless and detrimental to society than high heels. I’m not exactly sure what’s the appeal of the shoe. They are aimed to make women taller and therefore more attractive for men, yet most men would not date a woman who is taller anyway! But that’s only the tip of the iceberg…the comfort level of the shoe is where my beef lies. I have found myself in a weekly struggle with the high-heeled women. These declined contraptions drastically reduce my time to meet women and get to know them in bars/clubs. It’s only a matter of time before you hear the dark inevitable words, “my feet hurt.” Which for guys, is code for “you have no chance.” Often I feel like a bomb diffuser working under stressful conditions with a time constraint overhead. (FYI: usually the bomb goes off) I’m convinced I would get much more action (well…action) if women would just wear some Puma’s. Come to think of it, high heels aren’t all bad in that they act as great contraception. Who knew the world’s population problem could be solved with a couple million pairs of Leblanc’s? These days a man really has to be “heel worthy” to get some. A woman is not going to stand in those contortion devises listening to some dude's bullshit for very long. To combat this high-heeled problem I’m bringing some extra pairs of Uggs the next time I’m at a club. Some may call me a “weird dude” but I could care less, I’ll be the “weird dude” talking to ladies with comfy shoes on!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Love Just a Few Clicks Away?


I am a huge proponent of the Internet. It has made lives much easier (stalking used to be so much tougher before Facebook). In what was once a day’s work, people can now read the news, buy clothes, and watch their favorite porno all in a matter of minuets. However, there is one area the internet has no place for and that’s dating! This e-harmony /match.com business has got to stop. What ever happened to the old fashion route of being drunk off your ass at a bar and meeting the woman of your dreams during last call? (Hint: If the girl is still cute when the lights come up, she’s a keeper!) Now it’s all about finding the “compatible person” through 1,000 different variables. The problem is that just like a resume, people lie when describing themselves. No self-respecting man would ever tell the truth and say he is a bald 48 years old plumber that lives with his mom and has a third nipple. Internet daters are hiding behind a computer to find love, instead of putting themselves out there in the “real world.” Additionally, I’ve been told that sites like e-harmony rejects people if they can’t find anyone compatible. If that happened to me, I would call life quits right there. Game Over! Even the possibility of that being a reality is enough for me to never become an internet dater. I say get rid of internet dating sites and let the internet be used for more important things like viewing the “jizz in my pants” video on YouTube.