My Significant Other

I’m sorry ladies but I’m officially off the market. It’s true I’ve been the most “eligible bachelor” for some time now but not anymore. I’m happy to say my significant other has all the perfect qualities; smart, slender, and attractive. Unfortunately, my relationship is with something I bought at the Apple store for $399. I spend more time on my iPhone than a Cal Tech student plays Dungeons and Dragons. My cell phone and I are so close that it even finishes my sentences (auto text). I came to this realization as I was in a club in Hollywood over the weekend chasing around girls like an idiot. (On a side note: Men in dance clubs are the equivalent to cavemen but with a collared shirt) The main objective for these “hunter/gathers” is to “hunt” for ladies and get numbers. So my whole purpose of the night was to get some chick’s phone number so that I can spend the next few weeks calling/texting her. Instead of spending time with the lady, I’m spending more time with my cell phone! I’m under the impression that no one dates in LA. How can they? They are too busy texting! So with that said, my cell phone and I are confident that once the Supreme Court overrules Proposition 8, they will allow cell phones and humans to get married. FYI, we are going to be registered at the Apple store, (My cell phone needs a new pair of iPhone socks). So give me your number so that I can spend some quality time with my cell phone!

Scarf Down This!

As my four readers already know, I’m not exactly an innovator as much as a complainer. However, if I see something disturbing I’m going to call it out. Today my beef is with scarves. It is currently 81 degrees in LA yet I’ve seen at least four scarves and it was all before the lunch hour. The act of scarf wearing is at an all-time high and must be stopped. On rare occasions one might see a “man scarf.” There is nothing more emasculating then for a man to be wearing a scarf. Maybe it’s acceptable on the East Coast or France but around here every man wearing a scarf should be slapped in the face with the one they have on. It could be that I’m from the temperate climate of LA but I don’t get the appeal of a scarf. It’s only true purpose is to warm the neck however every time I’ve been in cold weather the warming of the neck is the least of my worries, usually I solve the problem with a jacket. In LA, these knitted contraptions are clearly just an accessory. However, I’m a firm believer that all accessories must have a point to them. For instance a purse is quite helpful to carry all your shit or a watch to tell you your ass is late for something. In retaliation for these despicable “scarfers” I too should wear something completely useless, a cape. I will tell people as I’m walking around that my cape is aimed to warm my back. Truthfully I would look about as ridiculous as a dude wearing a scarf anyway. However, knowing the kind of trendsetter that I am, within a few weeks there will be a “cape section” at the gap which would defeat the purpose entirely. Bottom line: LA needs to come together and put an end to the scarfing or else a slippery slope ensues and we are all wearing berets.

How Halloween Needs to Improve

Halloween is by far the most anticlimactic holiday of the year. There is so much hype weeks before but in the end it’s like any other Friday night except you’re dressed as a lady bug. Everyone always tells me Halloween is great for the candy. First of all, no one trick or treats after the age of 10. Second of all, everyone knows I’m a chip man. Candy is lame; potato chips are where it’s at. Now if I was to go from door to door with people giving out Cheetos and BBQ chips I would drop all my problems. The only good thing about the holiday is the mass slutification the girls participate in at the parties. As early as the first weekend in October, you will start seeing some of the girls in their slutty outfits. (I’ve been told that girls don’t dress in costumes, its OUTFITS). As October goes along more and more girls start dressing up and it gets progressively sluttier! I even saw a slutty Harry Potter costume (I never thought that was possible). My favorite week is the weekend before Halloween because I don’t have to dress up, yet the girls are almost primed at mass slutification. However, Halloween still has it all wrong, the holiday should be in July or August. It’s not much of a problem in the temperate climate of Southern California, but I bet you there are some beautiful girls who don’t dress up to their full slutty potential in the colder climates of New York and Chicago. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of dressing up as a lady bug this year. I tried to play it off like it was a “man bug” but in the end it was just a girly lady bug costume. Furthermore, I did not foresee that the lady bug wings I purchased would be such a pain in the ass in the crowded clubs. Not even ten minutes passed by before I ditched my wings. In short, Halloween sucks, but it can improve by handing out chips instead of candy and moved to July for mass slutification.