Odd SHITuations

There are some situations in life I have no idea how to behave. There is the classic example of the funeral where I usually end up saying the dumbest things to the bereaved. There was one funeral where at the end of the service, they let a bunch of white doves free. Of course being an idiot, I preceded to go up to my friend whose grandmother just passed and asked him how cool it would be to have a carrier dove. In retrospect I could have said things like, “I’m sorry for your loss” or even “how you holding up” Nope I just said, “damn those birds would make awesome carrier doves.”

There was another time I was doing the play-by-play broadcasting for a USC Men’s Volleyball game. Of course having no idea what I was doing or saying because honestly who ever watches Men’s volleyball?? I sometimes watch Women’s Volleyball because of the hot chicks who play the sport. Spandex…nice! Anyway, so having no idea how to call the game I one time said, “set it and forget it!!” like the chicken rotisserie infomercials. It was one of those moments straight out of a Southwest Airlines commercial “wanna get away”? Needless to say I wasn’t invited back to broadcast their games.

This topic came to mind after a bizarre situation I was just apart of. I went to the Starbucks bathroom to wash my hands but there was someone in there before me who shitted up the place, and I mean that literally. It’s the kind of smell that hits you in the face and makes you puke a little in your mouth. So I quickly started washing my hands and then the god-awful handle on the door started to shake indicating someone wanted to use the facilities. I was faced with the predicament of either telling the person waiting to use the bathroom that the smell wasn’t me or just walk away fast. Additionally, how do you even go about telling a person that the dreadful smell they are about to become intimate with did not come from me? “Excuse me, I did not just shit, it was the person before me, I promise I was just washing my hands, I already took a shit today!” Whose even going to believe that story?!? So I did what any grown male would do and said, “enjoy the smell I left for you.”