It's Vegas, Don't Tell Me To Calm Down!

I don’t know about you but I’m starting to get that Las Vegas fever. Just as timely as a menstrual cycle, my Vegasness comes exactly 3 months after my last visit. It’s a tough fever to break and the only prescription is two solid nights on the strip. It’s important to note that one night is not enough Vegas and three nights is just a bad idea. The extra night’s events will leave you wondering why you thought it was a good idea to go to a strip club because a midget dressed up as a leprechaun told you to do it. (Not like that happened to me or anything…) What I like most about the strip is there is so much to do; any one person can make it their own. I prefer the pool, drink, pass out, gamble, drink, pass out, club, drink, pass out approach. What I don’t get are the people who do the touristy Vegas. The one’s where they just kind of walk the strip aimlessly in their “whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” t-shirts. These folk are easy to spot; just look for the giant 10-foot drinks hanging from their necks. The sure fire way to NOT get any ass in the land of ass is to walk around with these drinks. Slurping on a straw is one of the least attractive things a person could do in public, and these drinks magnify this action by 100 percent when the drink is attached to your neck. I’ve never met a lady who can’t get enough of a drunken dude sucking down on some purple drink all day. All I’m saying is that we need to class up Vegas a bit. I’m pretty sure the party gods did not bestow Vegas onto us in hopes that we would walk the “holy land” with purple stained teeth and Elvis glasses on our way to Circus Circus. That’s why I stay at the Flamingo.

Church of The Holy Touchdown

I’ve never really been considered a religious man through my years. I felt that the customs, traditions, and beliefs in all religions were quite ridiculous. I never understood why people like Priests, Rabbis, Monks, or Indian Chiefs would devout their whole life to just their religion until I finally saw the light. Prior to becoming a born-again, I had been walking aimlessly with no real purpose. Now I see all that life has to offer with such clarity. Flowers smell better, music sounds better, and hot girls are even hotter. I attribute all these new positive changes to my new-found religion…College Football. I have found my religious enlightenment in the form of watching touchdowns and bone chilling tackles. I didn’t realize my religion’s full potential until I made my required pilgrimage to “Mecca” or otherwise known as Ohio Stadium in Columbus, Ohio. It was more than a game but rather a religious experience that I shared with my fellow College-Footballians watching USC play Ohio State. In case you weren’t familiar with our religion, here are just some of the basics in the holy “Play" Book. I specifically follow the teachings of Pete Carroll as he is my Rabbi. Furthermore, like the Jewish faith, our Sabbath is on Saturday but instead of wine as the preferred drink like in the Catholic or Jewish faith, our drink is beer and a lot of it. At “services” it is frowned upon to be quiet. Finally, my religion ends every year. There are never any qualms about not going to “services” past January 7 as the season ends. The other religions guilt you in being there every week. With that being said, I would appreciate it if people would respect my honoring of the Sabbath and not require me to be anywhere else other than the Los Angeles Coliseum, I’m praying at the top of my lungs!

Shortchanged

There was the Pet Rock in the 80’s, the Pogs of the 90’s and Beanie Babies in the early 2000’s. All were trends that came and went in our society. And just like the ones before it, the current trend that needs to vanish immediately is a women’s short haircut. I’m a pretty easygoing guy when it comes to the ladies. However, I will not tolerate when a beautiful woman butchers her hair. Just because Rihanna or Halle Berry has short hair does not give permission for every other girl to do the same. The hairstyles are so bad that even models loose their attractiveness. Viewing such a travesty only leaves me wondering what could’ve been. One of the defining physical characteristics that makes or breaks a woman is her hair. Now all hope is lost when I see a woman whose hair stops at her ears thus looking like a boy. No guy wants his girlfriend’s hair as short as his. The worst is when you see a girl on a regular basis who has that refreshing attractiveness in which you can’t wait to see again and again BUT the next day BOOM… boy cut! I demand to know all those behind such hanus acts. Was there a secret hairstyle tribunal that voted in the short haircut? Also, why weren’t heterosexual males allowed to have a say on this matter? These are all questions where I will work tirelessly to have answered. My guess is Oprah has something to do with this…

Nothing Wrong With Sky Mall Magazine

The best thing to happen in the world of aviation since the Wright Brothers is no doubt the Sky Mall Magazine. As a frequent traveler with Southwest Airlines such inventions as leg-room, and food are merely fantasies in the story of air travel. The only way to keep your sanity on that five-hour flight is the amazing Sky Mall Magazine. One flip of the page and you’re submersed in wonderful products such as the crossword wall paper, cat house that is disguised as a clay pot, and of course the water purifier for parrots. Although it provides hours of entertainment for me, my question is who is actually buying these products? If you ever wondered why so many Americans are in debt, The Sky Mall Magazine is your answer.

Yogurt is better than Yoga

There are many things I’m good at, such as writing new facebook status updates and watching Sportcenter. However, I’m a little less adept on things such as stretching. If there were anything I wasn’t put on this earth for, it would be bending. My lack of flexibility is an embarrassing reality that must be fixed. So I decided to take on Yoga at my gym. I came waltzing into the class unaware of the hellish experience I was about to endure. Yoga is like a perfect storm of things I suck at. You have to be flexible and you need normal looking feet (saying my feet are scary looking would be an understatement) Of course I must have showed up at the "experts-only" class because every student was putting their legs in places I’ve never dreamed possible. Then of course there is Yoga Guy who must’ve had some black belt in the stretching activity. Yoga guy always sits in the front of the class thinking he’s the instructor. He is decked out with intense yoga gear from the best mat to the nicest spandex. As much as I hate Yoga guy, I feel America should strive to be him. He is usually patient and balanced and equipped with a ponytail. Additionally, he always says the right things, and may even play some guitar. So with Yoga Guy and everyone else doing the salted pretzel, crouching monkey, licking lizard or whatever the poses are called, I was the asshole in the back that couldn’t touch his toes. With that said, I bet my form on the couch watching Sportcenter would blow any Yogaer out of the water!

Tales From A Cruise

I know what you’re thinking, and yes I did gain some weight in the past week. I recently went on a celebratory cruise in the Mediterranean looking Ethiopian skinny in the before picture. Sadly, 12 days later I got off the ship looking like the guy who thinks the double cheese taco salad at Taco Bell is a healthy diet option. As my mom so eloquently put,“ Mark ate like a maniac” However, I wasn’t the only one going “Tasmanian Devil” on the food as it became clear that this world isn’t getting fat off air. The average number of meals consumed a day on the ship was six! Let’s just say the pool scene was not exactly the Hard Rock Pool in Vegas. In fact it was quite a traumatic experience for me as I realized I’m very much in favor of one-piece bathing suits. (Is there a weight maximum for bikinis? Because there should be!) As much fun as I had on the cruise, there are some things about people that will forever baffle me. For instance, when a person makes the transformation into a tourist why do the Indiana Jones hats and Neon Fanny Packs automatically make an appearance? These tourists do the stupidest things too. I once witnessed an older lady wave at people on other boats for 2 hours. All she did was sit by the ship’s railing waiving away. What exactly does this lady expect to happen once you wave to other people? At the very best, the other party waves back to you and then what? I’ve never been much of a fan of parades for this very reason. Mass waves are so phony when it is directed towards thousands of other people. I like my waves personal, intended only for me. I don’t know this lady much, but I can bet she doesn’t sit at her window sill at home waving at anything that passes by her. Next time I catch someone using all five fingers to give me a phony wave I will reciprocate with just one finger of mine.

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

As my thousands of readers already know (by thousands, I mean all 5 of you) I tend to be a tad negative in my blogs. I think it’s time to switch it up and tell you about the one great thing in life. It’s something so extraordinary that it makes one think there really is a god. It has literally changed how I view the world. Ladies and Gentleman, I’m in love and it’s with foam soap. I challenge anyone to come up with something more amazing than a soap dispenser that extracts lathered soapy goodness. I know it’s hard to believe, but there was a time in my life where I would foolishly accept the notion that if I was to wash my hands it would be with liquid or even powdered soap. Well those days can be put to bed now because I will not accept anything short of a white foamy discharge. Just like always remembering that first kiss, I will never forget the first time I encountered foam soap. Once I pushed down on that dispenser and a cloud-like foam substance appeared, it was love at first sight. A very sad but true fact about me is my mood is directly affected by what type of soap is in the bathroom. The difference between liquid and foam soap is night and day. Liquid does not lather well and gets stuck in between my fingers making it difficult to wash off, thus pissing me off when I walk out of the bathroom with soap residue still intact. However on the other side of the equation, I could be having the worst day imaginable such as ordering a 10-piece chicken Mcnugget meal and only getting 9 Mcnuggets, but once I get my hands on that foamy goodness, my problems will wash away as fast as the soap. Foam soap is just so reasonable and efficient much like President Obama. In other words, we need change now and it starts with foam soap.