Dead Days of Summer

The inevitable day has arrived. The Sunday night before school starts after a long summer. This depressing reality has conjured up many unpleasant thoughts one of which having to deal with death. For example, what is the deal with burying people when they die? That must suck to die in a home or a hospital or wherever and have to be transported to some place and decompose in the ground for eternity. I utterly disagree with this practice. Fortunately for me, that will never happen when I eat it for good. I’m going to arrange that wherever I die I will be plopped right down on my leather couch with ESPN or a constant loop of Seinfeld on TV. Don’t worry, I realize my plan has flaws which is why there are preemptive measures. For instance, what if someone changes the channel to Lifetime or Oprah and I have to watch that for eternity? To counteract such a tragic scenario, the TV would shock anyone who touches it and meet the same fate as I have. (See I’ve got every angle covered). I don’t even care if another family buys my house and lives in it as long as I’m still on my couch. The family can tell guests that the old wrinkly dude on the couch just really loves TV and sleeps a lot. (Hey it worked on Weekend at Bearnies and Weekend at Bearnies 2) All I’m saying is how dare someone take me out of my house and throw me into the ground for life. Maybe that will happen to all the other dead suckers, NOT ME!

Quite The Predicament

I’m pretty sure my whole life is based on one practical joke after another. I always find myself in hilarious and awkward situations. A prime example is last week during the 5.4 magnitude earthquake. I was at work bored off my ass, doing work with my eyes half open in the usual office coma. I decided to go to the bathroom partially because nature was calling and partially because it gives me something to do. So I was doing my business and texting people at the same time (In the interest of full disclosure: If you ever receive a text from me at work…I’m probably sitting on the pot while writing it) and sure enough the earthquake hits. I’m sitting there and the stall doors start rumbling. My first reaction was, “damn I must really have had to use the bathroom” After realizing it was an earthquake I had no idea what to do. Over all those years of safety training in elementary school with the tuck under the desk drills, I was never taught what to do if you’re taking a dump. I defiantly could have used that drill. So I pretty much just sat there and waited the thing out. Imagine if that was the big one! Talk about a real “crappy” way to go out.

Bless This!!

The phrase “God bless you” is being used at an all time high and needs to be addressed immediately. There is too much blessing going on for a damn sneeze. If I were God, I would defiantly not be blessing someone just because they sneezed. One cannot help but wonder how many times a day people are telling God that they should bless other sneezers. Maybe if someone came down with a case of the flu or syphilis it would warrant a “God bless you” but not for some wind to come out of the nose at 200 mph. I am very keen on this phrase because I consider myself a professional sneezer. I have this nutso condition called Photic sneeze reflex (It’s a real thing) where anytime I look into the sun I sneeze. Throughout the course of my day there are numerous people telling God to bless me. I really wish people would stop telling God to bless me over my sneezing, and save the blesses for when I do stupid shit (Probably in Vegas). The worst are those people who are just waiting for someone to sneeze. These “God bless you whores” could be doing anything whether it be driving, or performing surgery and will stop in their tracks to make sure the holy one blesses the sneezer. However, I love to fool these sickos by pretending to sneeze to see them get ready for a “God Bless You” and then witness utter disappointment on their faces when they realize it was a false alarm. I’ve never been much of a “God bless youer” so I don’t quite understand how it works…if someone is a multiple sneezer does the “God bless you” come after one sneeze or until the sequence is finished? We can’t be worrying about making sure sneezers are blessed when we are in the midst of a war, a recession looming, and a college football season starting soon. We should let God decide what is bless worthy because clearly we failed thinking a sneeze deserves a blessing.

Free Baller Problem

There needs to be some legislation passed stopping old man ass in the men's gym locker room. Every time I go in there, I have to prep myself for a potentially awful sight. Its always old people dropping their pants and walking around the locker room likes its their own goddamn bathroom. I don't even think these guys work out, they go specifically to the locker room so they can "show off their goods." I usually go into the locker room minding my own business quickly changing my shoes and BOOM out of no where there is a pale white hairy droopy ass right in my face without as much as a warning!! It would be great if I could get a courtesy call saying old naked man coming in 3...2...1. It would be a lot like those little trucks in front of a wide-load truck on the highway warning everyone what is about to come. I need this warning to soften the blow of what my eyes are about to experience. There needs to be proper locker room etiquette which is a quick change of clothes so that the free ballin is limited to no more than 20 seconds. None of this naked walking around, doing everything but putting clothes on. I've seen it all including; naked shaving ( Of course not the back or chest even though thats the part that needs it the most), naked exercising, and even naked standing around for no good reason. Its time to put an end to this free ballin problem.

Stop Making Smelly Food

Don’t make weird food in an office. Some asshole just made popcorn and now the whole floor smells like shit. What compels someone to just randomly get up from their desk and think it would be a great idea to have popcorn? Never have I had the urge to have some popcorn while working. Popcorn is a very overrated food by the way. It’s a snack that only tastes good in the first 5 minuets of eating it. Beware of any food that is only edible for a short time like Top Ramen. Also beware of any product that has an old man as its mascot. Both KFC and Orville Redenbacher must have the worst marketing departments if they think having an old wrinkly man on their product will sell. This office prick should be like everyone else and have a goddamn salad or sandwich for lunch.

An Infuriating Ass

Something infuriating happened to me today. I was at the gym and there was a gorgeous girl working out. I began the "checking out" process. Great face, terrific upper body and tight spandex pants. Let's just say I liked what I saw. Then something awful happened, I noticed a sweatshirt tied around her hips. In a 98 degree day, the sweatshirt merely acted as a prop in a cruel game to hide her terrific ass! (I'm most defiantly an ass man... don't get me wrong, what guy doesn't like boobs... but the ass is what separates the hotties from the notties) 85% of the reason I go to the gym is to check out hot ass chicks. (Hot girls at a gym are a must otherwise its just a bunch of buff dudes trying to out steroid each other). Why a woman would wear tight clothing to the gym but hide the best part is just stupid! Clearly they have a great body if they are always in the gym. The whole reason she was at the gym was to get that ass in shape and let me tell you, I bet that thing was gooood. But sadly I will never know for sure will I??? Her ass acted as a gigantic tease much like waiving a banana in front of a monkey.

It's No Fun

I hate the word “fun.” I grow immediately suspicious when the word is used. When the word is used half the time it is used incorrectly. People use it to try and get you to do things. “Common it will be fun!” Anytime some one says it will be fun, immediately walk away, it will suck!! If something was really that fun no one would need to explain how fun it would be, the activity should speak for it self. Don’t get me wrong. I love to have a good time, but I never need to tell people I had fun, people will KNOW if I had fun.

One day I was walking out of Ralph’s and saw their ad to get new hires saying that i Ralph's is a “fun enjoyable work experience” When the crap would working at Ralphs ever be fun?!?, is it when your in the heat chasing down shopping carts?? I just don’t see it.

I’ll tell you what else isn’t fun, eating Fun Size candy bars. What the shit is that about? That’s not fun! That’s just a small ass candy bar. If you ask me it’s merely a tease saying, “here have some FUN chocolaty goodness than two seconds later, “oh wait you have no more candy bitchass!” It’s like a chocolaty version of blue balls.

Next, is Six Flags. Their slogan is, “more flags, more fun” What does that even mean?? If more flags equals more fun then why isn’t it called 1 million flags? According to them, that would be a lot more fun than just 6 flags. I say nay, no one needs a lot of flags. I’m more of a one flag, maybe two flag kind of guy. If I had a choice of flags it would be the American flag and California flag. Why else would you need another flag? Quite honestly never have I been around a flag and had fun. Sure it was enjoyable to wave the flag around and act like you’re in the Patriot, but that good time lasts about five minuets. I think it is safe to say that flags and fun do not go together.

p.s. I wrote this whole thing while at work, I’m pretty sure what I wrote had nothing to do with what I was supposed to do. Lesson for you kids out there…what ever you do at work, just look serious and type fast and you’re in the clear.